me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
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Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*