Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”

Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*

“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.

Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!

Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.

[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.

FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count

HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.

about to have the best blueberries of my life

Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.

I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time

The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm

I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens

If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.

me: you know what I need?

body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?

me: another coffee.

body: you mother fu-

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”

Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in

I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.

Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.

When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?

Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.

Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*

If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.

Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian

“Aww, what a nice name”

It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name

“What is it?”

Theskywithdiamonds