me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
You Might Also Like
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Admin smashed it 😂
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Aw man, but that’s the best part
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Here’s a meme
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.