Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”

Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy

If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.

Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”

wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!

Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.

Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean

“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.

honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old

Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”

I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.

Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings

I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.

Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”

It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

piñata: harder daddy

me: [lifts blindfold] what

piñata: let me wear the blindfold

My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.

To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.

Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too

[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.