me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
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Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
We avoided this particular disaster
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.