Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.

“If you love something, set it free…”

Unless it’s a man…

Cause he’ll get lost…

And you know he won’t ask for directions…

Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.

[First Date]

Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting

Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.

I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.

*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*

Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…

Me: *starts digging again*

There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

Him: You look angry.

Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think

me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything

me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango

Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,

I have the impulse control of a random number generator.

So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.

Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”

You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN

The afternoons I spent on my hair.

Franz Kafka, 1912.

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.

HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.

ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.

you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway

My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome

my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…

Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch

[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle

I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.