Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda

“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.

A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.

If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.

Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments

“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”

“Um, there’s no such thing.”

“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”

Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop

Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there

My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…

Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

working on a name for my new business

my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.

All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun

I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.

“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes

“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”

Her: Umm…Where are you going?

Me: Walking the dog.

Her: When you get back, we need to talk.

* walks dog…returns 3 days later

Like a good neighbor

State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.

GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?

ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers

GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee

Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard

Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie

Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…

there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you

I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.