Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There was romance over dinner last night.

Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.

I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”

Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.

17 animal photos that will make you do a double take

As a self-made millionaire and father of 16, I am begging all of you to stop believing everything you read on social media

I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”

Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.

[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder

[Christmas]

ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?

HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?

ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.

I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”

parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”

*stirs coffee with knife*

*licks knife*

“Let’s do this”

*wakes kids for school*

Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”

17, “Have u seen my adderal?”

ㅤ

Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.

*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*

someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol

Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary

also my go-to takeaway order

“Moo.”

– hipster sheep

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.

I love the word placebo, but it lacks something

“Is this the fifth one?”

– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish

Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.