Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
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Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
