Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean

Friend: Take more chances in life.

Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?

Me: i knew you’d pull through

drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

*sees a truck*
Nice.

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.

My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.

The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.

One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.

A decision was made here.

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.

Me: you want salmon for dinner?

3yo: yeah!

Me: what do you want with it?

3yo: mayo.

Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.

3yo: mayonnaise.

Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.

I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.

*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this

Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday

I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.

“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”

Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.

ME: Happy New Year, Dad. We love you.
DAD: That’s great. Hey, put the dog back on the phone. I got another joke for him.

Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth

“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.

– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?

Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO

Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*

Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

Ad placement of the day

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