Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to

me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again

CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank

i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time

“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*

At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

Sharon I have some bad news

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister

Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.

Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.

Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what

HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES

Time Traveler: “What year is it?”

Me: “2020”

Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”

Me

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming

We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.

Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.

went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality

Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences

Judge: No

Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

[police lineup]

Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’

Suspect 1: boing boing

Suspect 2: boing boing

Desk lamp: boing boing

Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.

You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.