Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one

[Mother’s Day text to my wife]

Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?

For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.

i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it

People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?

Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message

I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?

If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.

“And I want video games and new shoes and….”

Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!

McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell

Me: Flirting is fun

Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.

*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.

My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.

“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves

In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest

Dm: Hi

Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?

*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the

you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.

forgive me baja for i have blast

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store

Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide