Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”

Me: “Hell yes!”

Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”

Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing

Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!

Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”

2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod

2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod

Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.

[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.

5: “Mommy why not?”

Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”

5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”

3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day

seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD

She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.

I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.

I can’t wheat to see her!

I’m in loaf.

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”

{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*

Doctor: do you exercise?

Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks

Doctor:

Me: cronchies

Doctor: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago

*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”

My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.

me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: did he just get in line

Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS

Roadside Assistance: how can i help you

Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire

Me: A storm is coming

My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?

sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.

If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.

i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined