Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Dada!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Papa!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.

Me: This is bullshit.

Baby: This is bullshit.

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[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!


House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.


NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year

ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe


🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶


*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?


Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.


if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it


DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]


If you don’t like the way you look naked, remember; by the time you have your clothes off, its the other person’s problem.