Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Dada!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Papa!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.

Me: This is bullshit.

Baby: This is bullshit.

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If it lasts 4 hours I’m not only callin a Dr, I’m callin everybody!!


I have a cut on my leg Doc

“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”

But its a tiny cut

“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*


ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.

QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?


I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.


me: i wish i were a people person

genie: granted

us: not like this


Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.


There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.

She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.


In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.


me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies

him: no spoilers

me: i assure you there are a ton