Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick

Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”

Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

[first day as a genetic scientist]

co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves

me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno

I have some bad news about people who work in offices

oh no, steve’s working tonight

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.

rich people: be like me, invest in stocks

also rich people: no not like that

Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…

[rearranges letters]

“BIRAC UBOMA”

[audience gasps]

*gets period*

“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again

U talkin 2 me?

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off

*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*

you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house

Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]

HER: So what kind of car do you drive?

ME: A bookmobile.

No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then

why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”

I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this

Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired

Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.