Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
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*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
no way 😭
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
sensitive skin
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.