Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.

i choose….tongue

Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.

You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.

The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.

Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”

{Guidance counselor glares at them}

Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware

[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve

son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”

I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.

Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”

Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine

During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.

“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.

they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

I think this was a scene from “The Birds”

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.

No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.