Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
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You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.