Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.

I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’

This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.

SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*

NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!

SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there

I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny

If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.

People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.

People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.

You put the shhh in bullshhhit.

Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen

14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.

THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]

My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.

Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.

And whats Beth short for? he asked.

Because shes only three. I answered.

Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.

His answer was white. With a question mark.

Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me

“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.

I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles

Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076

[laying on top of me]

4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.

My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.