Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
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The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
🖕🏻👽
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
