Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: i love croissants

me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too

trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.

Never ghost your hitman.

I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.

Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did

Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over

Her: This is our bedroom

Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.

******************

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR CAT: Me too.

WIFE: So what did you do today?

ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any

me: my friends:

Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”

Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.

My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.

#ParentingFacts

If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space

Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!

Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa da

Daughter:

Me: shit

Daughter: shit

Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.

TRUE STORY

Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄

Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill

My circle of trust is a meatball

Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor

Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?

Me: Yes, I do.

Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?

Me: I’m not sure.

Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!

Me: do that thing I like

Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.