Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot

A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.

Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers

ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

*meeting an actual guy*

Him: Who’s your team?

Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants

Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.

You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.

Anyway, I lost an eye today.

THIS HEADLINE

You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted

My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.

Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.

The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.

been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.

Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.

I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back

CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up

ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up

“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”

“Why the hell wooden I be?”

– Pinocchio

I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything

Onion rings.

What sounds do other vegetables make?

Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.

i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.

Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me