Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.

At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?

It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.

When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.

They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.

A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief

Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public

– young children

there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball

If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

Looking for a plus one for my wedding.

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19

friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me

me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this

ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said

wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

Are you a cat person or a person person?

5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.

Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs

“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.

Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you

developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework

[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?

[asteroid hurling towards earth]

ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule