Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is

[trick-or-treating]

Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!

Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup

Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?

[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing

[on a date]

him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.

me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*

Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.

“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.

Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.

Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too

[halftime]

Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*

date: so what do you do on the weekends.

me: mostly pet my cat.

date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.

me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.

Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

Give a baker flours on your first date.

I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.

Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-

People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE

Meterologist: But science

People: NO

Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.

Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?

*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

“I challenge you to a duel!”

“Very well. The weapon?”

“Compliments.”

“A capital choice.”

“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”

Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.

Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.

Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.

I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work

GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot