Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: I got stabbed!!!

Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?

Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet

Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?

Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–

Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT

Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock

*Food arrives*

*Waits 3 days*

*Slowly takes bite of food*

*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*

HOW IS EVERYTHING??

I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.

I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

airline: you need to pay to check luggage.

passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.

airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.

I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.

Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two….

I’m still laughing .

Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?

Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer

GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.

What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”

wife: omg what are you doing?

me: wrapping presents

wife:

me:

wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!

If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids

Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?

My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me

My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.

[planning heist]

LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?

*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*

When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”

MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?