Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Me: School is closed today.
Son: Huh? You’re my teacher now. Why?
Me: [watching video on how to give your cat a french manicure] Professional development day
Cat:*licks his newly permed tail*
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They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I bet the guy who invented fake dog shit was upset the name “shampoo” was taken
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
If I ever commit suicide, I wanna jump off a cliff w/an open umbrella so people wonder if I thought it would bring me safely to the ground.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.