Me: School is closed today.

Son: Huh? You’re my teacher now. Why?

Me: [watching video on how to give your cat a french manicure] Professional development day

Cat:*licks his newly permed tail*

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Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.


They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.


I bet the guy who invented fake dog shit was upset the name “shampoo” was taken


You didn’t comment on my selfie.


[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”


If I ever commit suicide, I wanna jump off a cliff w/an open umbrella so people wonder if I thought it would bring me safely to the ground.


Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work


eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft


I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.