Me: School is closed today.

Son: Huh? You’re my teacher now. Why?

Me: [watching video on how to give your cat a french manicure] Professional development day

Cat:*licks his newly permed tail*

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What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?


*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work


My parents are middle aged.
“Mine are to-”
[parents burst through bedroom door on horses]


“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”

~All accountants


I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.


Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.


Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.