?When the moon hits your eye?
You’ll be killed.
Me: School is closed today.
Son: Huh? You’re my teacher now. Why?
Me: [watching video on how to give your cat a french manicure] Professional development day
Cat:*licks his newly permed tail*
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What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
My parents are middle aged.
“Mine are to-”
[parents burst through bedroom door on horses]
“CHILD! DOST THOU DESIRE NOURISHMENT?”
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.