Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.

I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.

The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’

Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.

If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.

[at train station]

Cashier: May I help you?

Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.

“so what brings you to therapy today?”

THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins

Me: No, just whales

Me: Would you like a sample?

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Handing out free samples.

Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!

Me: This is a weird Costco.

Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.

Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.

Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold

If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.

It can either sync or swim.

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

(Boarding flight to Iowa)

9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?

12 yo: corn on the cob

9 yo: what else?

12 yo: corn off the cob

My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”

me: “yea”

I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.

“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”

*vending machines have entered the chat*

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.

Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.

I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.