Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
You Might Also Like
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
FRED: right
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
I know a bad idea when I see one.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
I might carry a baby with one hand.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN