Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond

[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah

Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”

[At Vision Center]

Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?

Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.

It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.

The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.

The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.

[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me

If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.

In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed

SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”

Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?

Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!

😂

One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it

6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?

Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…

6: you’ll never find me!

Me: *goes back to sleep*

After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.

I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.

MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer

ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey

MIL: I never wanted you in this family

POUTINE TIMELINE

9 PM: I could go for a poutine

9:15: This is god’s delicious gift

9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them

9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning

11 PM: I could go for a poutine

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.