Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram

About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent

Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time

the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes

13: so dad, I was thinking.

Me: about what, son?

13: I’m taller than you…

Me: yeah, and?

13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.

I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex

And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me

i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys

Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?

Me: is it ok if we have sex right now

Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking

Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree

Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman

Think of a thing.

Theres an e cig flavor for that.

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

Husband: you should get out of the house more

Me: *goes shopping*

Husband: not like that

If you love someone, let them go.

If they don’t come back, get a dog.

I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles

I occasionally drink every single night.

Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?

they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

Hello Twits.

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!

Wife: An uncontested divorce

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better