Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
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Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
What if the weather talks about us?
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train