Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
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Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Thinking about Jeff
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
My boss called in sick of me
what the hell girl, sure
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?
Me: Which one helps with reflux?
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up