Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
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BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars