Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!

Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?

My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.

I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise

Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.

Finally! 😈

History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘

Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’

She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*

Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.

Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.

No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.

true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”

If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident

AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain

PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.

cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please

my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late

*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!