Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.

Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

Finally… My bills are washed, laundry is paid, clothes are baked and dinner is in the dryer… Adulting is tough, but I’ve got this!

May I pay you handsomely, good sir?

-Why yes you may.

*opens wallet*

*pulls out Ryan Gosling*

I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.

Nobody:

Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”

I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?

AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?

ME: No, I was happy with my first try.

Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.

I love you…

…r dog.

2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist

Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.

Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever

General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet

I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now

My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone

ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.

GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired

People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away

Some early signs you’re growing up:

1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?

10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled

Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.

“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.

Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?

Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.