Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe

cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“

according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working

Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.

Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.

Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.

I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.

If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.

My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.

2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris

*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*

Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.

Typos are dangerous, you guys.

I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves

Me: God grant me the serenity.

God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.

My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.

8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER

“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities

Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????

Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad

Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.

I now have to live with this missed opportunity.

Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?

A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.

#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes

I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.