Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
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Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
¯_(ツ)_/¯
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
Woke up against my better judgement again
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
…u ok Nintendo?
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.