Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
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Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.