Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
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2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.