Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
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My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
😂🍻
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
He probably could have just called himself “Andre.” I think I would have figured out The Giant part on my own.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
The Onion called it…again.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
What do you hear?