Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *walks into room*

My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.

Me: *walks back out of room*

On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.

Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”

I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”

Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.

Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.

Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…

my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you

me: *fires therapist*

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.

Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.

Me: *half an hour later*

Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.

I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.

I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.

Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name

i want to work in this restaurant

A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime

Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.

Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.

3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*

husband: aren’t you excited?

me:

husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5

“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”

-guy who discovered milk

Her: You’re a dumpster fire

Me: So you think I’m hot??

A dead goose is called a ghoost

😬

Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now

*Weird bird sound in the distance*

4 year old: “what’s that ?”

Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”

4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation

You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.