Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”
Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
You Might Also Like
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Alligators gonna alligate
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Not to get technical, but according to Chemistry…Alcohol is a solution.