Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO

I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.

My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years

Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.

Where have you been all my life?

Can you go back there?

Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.

I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.

Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.

Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.

After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable

Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐

My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.

Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.

Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes

Wife: What about me and the kids?

Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT

Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.

I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.

My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.

20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No

Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher

one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh

ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course

[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?

to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶

Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.

[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.

[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]

Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”

*watching an old Lassie show

Me: How come you can’t do those things?

Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.