Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.

judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.

me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand

Have a lovely day 😊

Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti

Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy

Me: it shows

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything

I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

2019: the floor is lava

2020: literally don’t touch anything

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!

I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.

He was a koi.

She was a squirrel.

Can I make it any less obvious?

Define “toned.”

-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps

HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.

I painted today

Everyone complimented me on my turtle

It was a bird, I painted a bird

😬

“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.