Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.

I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.

temp agency: can you do retail

lizard: yes

My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun

I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard

*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*

Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife

Me: Have you considered budgeting?

1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.

Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.

I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.

Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.

Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.

I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably

“old Victorian houses are charming”

I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF

You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin

My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look

Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

O: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.

When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.

It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.

EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head

If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb

Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?

Me: my children, now give me the ring

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.

I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.