Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Now we wait.

Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!

Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.

Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh

Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,

Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

dutch is not a serious language

me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home

This sounds bad:

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me

Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket

I cannot call her anything else now

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”

They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.

I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.

This made me chuckle cuz mood

I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.

MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…

Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day

People at Costco really need to be less sensitive

Them: are you busy right now

Me: (just laid down) yes

“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line

I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit

my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body