Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
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It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird