me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
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Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
I’m not wrong
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe