Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?

No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.

I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.

[coworkers chatting about me, to me]

cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?

Women: no

TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people

Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW

Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?

Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…

Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?

One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.

timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge

I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.

According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.

wife: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i’m a chameleon

wife: no you’re not

me: I can change I swear

I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day

I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.

Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.

ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

Me: I made this belt out of herbs

Her: why?

Me: oh, just waisting some thyme

My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.

Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there

You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.

You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.

Anyway, I lost an eye today.

In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.

[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”