Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

Nobody:

8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.

School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?

My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light

My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.

I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.

-Lies I’ve told to cops.

Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”

If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.

me: *clicks Add to dictionary*

microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.

“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”

I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.

Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.

– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.

You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.

Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes

*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*

Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.

seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else

Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.

SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!

HERO: Ok

SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?

HERO: I’m in

SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.

HERO: My therapist said to try new things

SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward

HERO: I’ll get my stuff

This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap

Me: That’s fine, take a nap

3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning

Me: Great!

3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!

Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!

Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂

Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.