Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
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Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.