Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
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I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.