Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
You Might Also Like
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
How to properly lift a body
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..