Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
You Might Also Like
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
inside you are two wolves
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
daughter: oh sure, blame all your troubles on me! that’s the only reason you had me!
me: you know that’s not true, Patsy
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]