Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
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ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!