Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”

No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now

It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.

Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.

People underestimate the Pacific.

[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.

[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!

Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”

Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way

Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.

Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *sound of footsteps running away*

78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.

ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?

DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow

ME: Can I shake hands with people?

DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them

ME: …

DOCTOR: …

ME: …

DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one

Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS

My mama didn’t raise no fool.

Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.

NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD

I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child

Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.

Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.

I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.

Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them

-Lord of the Onion Rings

The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.

In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

Me: *smiling from ear to ear*

Plastic surgeon: My bad.