Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.

Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”

Impossible to find a better word than hyperbole.

Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible

A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.

I will (and I can’t stress this enough) touch whatever you tell me not to touch.

If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.

my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?

Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.

My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active

I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale

In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM

[on phone]

me: honey I won some free tickets

wife: cool, for what?

me: speeding and resisting arrest

wife: never heard of them

When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”

Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.

I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

[first day as an ambulance driver]

ME: *crashes into a light pole*

PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet

I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.

My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.

baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou

When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?

#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.

Customs officer: Occupation?

German: Nein, just visiting.

Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep

toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities

[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]

*makes a girl laugh*

me: can you do my taxes

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.