Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.

A few hardest things to say:

“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”

“Worcestershire Sauce”

“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.

Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity

DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city

Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.

[Christmas shopping]

me: I’m looking for a toy for my son

clerk: how old?

me: something new please

tell em, edith-anne

since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys

Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*

Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911

The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind

I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂

I let my baby girl know she can do anything.

Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.

[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party

“Emergency Defibrillator”

As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?

Fiction has to make sense.

Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.

Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.

Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool

Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.

If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”

Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re

gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that

me: will do

[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]

me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports

her dad: that’s right

me: why

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.