Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
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There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Meow
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]