Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
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Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
I have always wanted to do this 😭😭
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.