Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

[on a rocket which just launched into space]

Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.

Me: My computer broke

IT guy: What have you tried so far?

Me: Everything

IT guy:

Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.

It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor

3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.

Me: Which one, buddy?

3: Any of them.

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”

disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project

boss: what about blood

disguised vampire: huh?

boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right

disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean

I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.

A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).

I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.

Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.

Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”

George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.

girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher

having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.

Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.

“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time

they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn