Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
You Might Also Like
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.