Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
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I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
How many gray sedans in a parking lot is too many? Should I go to a different Walgreens?
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Finally!
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.