Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
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“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/