Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
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Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
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I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Word!
can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
how to exercise your calf muscles
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out