Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones

Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas

Him: You’re unbelievable!

Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.

For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.

Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts

Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time

BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”

“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”

“

[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]

Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?

Host: What’s your friend’s name?

Me: Wikipedia.

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.

[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know

timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge

I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.

My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed

[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.

Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.

Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?

Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.

Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.