Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”

Kids: Stay in school.

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.

mom: what’d you do today?

christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole

mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.

Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.

Me: *taking a family photograph*

Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?

My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water

“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds

[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.

You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.

*changes phone default notification sound*

I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys

Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days

barista: oh no

[before sex]

her: can u put something on

me: sure

her: is that just the jeopardy theme song

me: no

her:

me: it’s the whole episode

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀

It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.

If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.

Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!