Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?

My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.

My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…

When I think about you, I touch myself.

In the face.

With my fist.

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”

Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.

Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup

[1st day as police officer]

PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!

ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.

If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

Alexa: *deep breath*

The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.

Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.

Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be

JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly

Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing

There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me

Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.

Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.

[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”

It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?