Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
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7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
What’s the point buying it then?
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”