Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?

That’s me, looking for hotdogs.

Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.

– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies

The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.

you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested

What I said: GO TO BED!

What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.

It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.

You win again, life.

They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.

I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.

In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*

flight attendant: STOP THAT

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.

WHAT ARE WE?

Writers!

WHAT ARE WE WRITING?

Snacks!

WAIT, WHAT?

Snacks first, THEN writing!

No, wait, coffee/tea too!

Maybe a nap beforehand!

THEN WRITING?

No, then Twitter

THEN WRITING!

Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow

#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity

when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”

Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.

Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.

Goats that intimidate others are bully goats

[Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel

Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.

Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?

Me: (holding back tears) 3 days

D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like

M: Not really

Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,

“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”

In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.

They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was

What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!