Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything

Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do

Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.

[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM

It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles

Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich

this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.

Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.

[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day

Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.

Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it

Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.

[really awkward birthday party]

FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]

Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.

[After Sex]

Him: how was it for you?

Shakira’s hips: well…

modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

thought we’d see more kids named goku by now

There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.

My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:

“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.

Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.

What’s that?

“It’s my pet rock.”

Why does it look sad?

DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.

Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.

For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.

Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.

GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!

ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]

[later]

GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?

doctor: this may hurt

me: june doesn’t look much better